Nightmare

*I am sorry this post goes into great detail, but I am one of those people that has to talk about things in order to cope and fell better.

So life has dealt Jake and I something that I never thought "would happen to ME."  About one month ago, we found out that I had a sweet little baby growing inside my tummy.  Best news of our lives.  I had gone off BC in February so the 5 months (not too long if you ask me) of trying warranted the pure joy that ensued. 

Jake and I went to my first prenatal visit this past Friday, the 11th.  I think I was about 9weeks.  Now every expectant mother has doubts, right? But you don't think anything of it.  I had had some spotting for a couple weeks prior, but it was seriously practically nothing and only happened a few times, and was only enough to barely cover the ridge of my pinky fingernail.  Of course, the night before our appointment I actually had a real SPOT when I went to the bathroom.  Quite unnerving if you ask me, not to mention the previous tiny bits here and there. Anyway, I pushed my doubts out of my mind...after all, I didn't have any cramping, so why let my fear get the best of me?

The time came and we were at the Dr.'s office.  I had told her about my spotting and she said just to make us (her, me and Jake) feel better she would send me for an ultrasound (which by the way I was pretty disappointed the ultrasound wasn't routine).  I was kind of nervous and was spilling the 320z of water down my shirt as I drank it on the way to the hospital.  Doubts filled my heart and mind, but I had to think positively.  I prayed and prayed and prayed.  But my prayers for a healthy baby were empty and unanswered.  My prayers quickly changed to me asking for His Will to be done, and for strength to deal with whatever that might be...and sadly enough, these prayers felt more 'right.' 

We arrived and got in immediately.  I laid down with my tummy (which was already showing a tiny bit if you ask me) exposed, and the ultra sound began.  The tech told us she was going to be "looking around and getting some pics and sizes" before she actually focused on the pregnancy.  By then she said she would start telling us what she saw.  Well as she did her thing, I can honestly tell you the room was thick with sadness and disappointment already.  Jake and I both felt it.  I already knew it wasn't going to be good.  BUT I still had my hopes (you have to!).  I looked over and saw our baby.  I frantically searched for a flicker in the chest area...nothing.  "Maybe I just don't know how to read an ultrasound," I thought to myself.

The tech FINALLY started talking to us...and she started with "ummm..." and I just KNEW it wasn't good.  She said "here is the baby, and here is the sack...I am just having a hard time looking for a heartbeat."  She showed us more parts and kept looking.  Jake's heart was tense and I was speechless, still frantically SEARCHING SEARCHING for that little heartbeat.

She said "well I want to do a transvaginal ultrasound, so we can get a closer look at the baby's chest." I asked her if it was weird that she couldn't see the heartbeat on the regular ultrasound.  "well not yet, because if you aren't as far along as they say, then the heartbeat could be hard to see."  So I changed into the gown and she came back in. She again looked around at a few things and I watched our baby just sitting there, chest area just still.  How freaking sad is that. Every time I picture our baby my heart just freaking rips to shreds.

She said she couldn't see a heartbeat, she even listened for one (nothing)....Jake and I were speechless, shocked... And then she just finally said "this baby does not have a heartbeat. But the baby measures 8 wks and 4 days"  Jake says his heart dropped.  I personally didn't really grasp what she had said and I kept wanting to ask "what do you MEAN this baby doesn't have a heartbeat...FIND IT!!!!"  I looked and looked and looked at our baby.  Lifeless and still...not one movement anywhere. The tears started coming, I tried to hold them back for a long time.  But they just didn't stop.  The tech said she was very sorry and handed me tissues.  She left the room and Jake just held me....I think I cried for 7 hours.

My doctor said I had two choices.  I could A) bleed it out or B) have a D & C which is a surgical procedure they do to clean it all out at once.  I chose to have the surgery, and went in the next morning at 6am.  The hospital I went to doesn't schedule surgeries on Saturdays so my doc pulled some strings and got one of her "back-up" OBGYNs to do it for me.  I was the only one in the same day surgery center.  The OB that did it was super nice and explained everything to me.  The procedure itself only lasts 10-15 min.  They gave me general anesthesia so I was completely out.  He used tools to clean/scrape/suction out all the fetal tissue.  I woke up super groggy and went home at about 10am.  

I am physically healing well, just sore still and a few other things I won't get into.  Mentally Jake and I are still shocked, depressed, sad, coping..you name it.  I don't want to be mopey and turn into a hermit, I just need some more time to process it all.  We went to sacrament today and I just can't tell you the love I have for Christ..how thankful I am that he has suffered this pain already and therefore knows how to comfort us.  You would think this experience would be "hellish," but to be quite honest I have felt very close to heaven...I have definitely felt His love, peace, comfort and strength.  I have not once felt abandoned, and am grateful to have His help to get through this. 

I know things happen for a reason, and most times miscarriages happen because the baby just simply has problems and cannot sustain life.  So I know this is a blessing.  And I can't wait to start trying again!  I am still in love with babies and do not feel any anger/resentment towards anyone who has one of their own, or who may be receiving their good news anytime soon.  I want everyone single chica to experience pregnancy and the happiness it brings.  I love babies! I loved being pregnant, and I love the thought of being a mommy!!

I also have to say that Jake and I honestly feel so loved and are so grateful to our friends and family for their support...we love all of you! :-)

On a side note, I am going to switch doctors.  I currently see a Nurse Midwife, who, is amazing.  But when she had to ask another doctor to perform my surgery, it kind of all put it into perspective...Jake and I feel more comfortable with an OB, someone who has much experience in all things MEDICAL, specifically delivery.  CNM's are great, but there are some things they just can't do, and if something were to arise during delivery, I would want an OB there to be able to act quickly and effectively....So any suggestions are welcome.  I love the University Hospital but am open to all suggestions.  I don't care if it's a man/woman...just someone experienced.

Also since I am one who likes to talk about things, I would love to hear from you, especially if you have gone through something similar (and I know worse).  To keep things private for you: kymber-215@hotmail.com